Be prepared...unintentional ranting ahead!

Everything has changed since I last wrote...

In the end, I didn't move to a new host family. The doctor ultimately declined, saying it was too much for her right now to take in an ''American girl"...this leads me to say...

I don't understand why so many people declined hosting me during this year. Every time, it was the same. They didn't say, "We're sorry, but we can't host an exchange student right now." It was always, "We're sorry, but we can't host an American girl right now." My host mom (who has confessed to me that she agreed to host me, only out of obligation because she was also sending her son) said to me once, that because I'm American, because I'm from such a developed country, many families here will feel uncomfortable, and even ashamed of their homes and lives, if I stay with them. What will I think of the food they serve? What will I think of the squat toilet I have to use?

But who am I? Some foreign nobility they must impress? I have had this same feeling so many times throughout this year, and still, I get fed up. Why must people here look up to me, because of my nationality? Why should they be ashamed to share themselves with me, and teach me about their culture. I would have never signed up for this program, or chosen India as number one, if I wasn't ready for a year that was completely different from everything I knew.

Do people here really have only one perception of Americans? If so, that makes me extremely sad. Contrary to popular belief, I am not some rich girl, who has my own car, and eats McDonald's for lunch and pizza for dinner, every day. I am not a Christian who goes to church every Sunday. I have not had multiple boyfriends. My education was not easy or simple. Oh yeah, and I am not afraid of "Blacks".

But unfortunately, this is what most people think after taking just one look at me. By the color of my skin, and the clothes that I wear, I am labeled an outsider, and that label, I believe, can never disappear in their minds. And on top of being an outsider, I am American. Sometimes I resent this label. Why can't I just say I'm from, say, Switzerland? Maybe then, I wouldn't have to deal with the misconceptions of being American.

And don't think I receive negative attention for being American. It is quite the opposite. It's the admiration that I loathe, the sparks in peoples' eyes when they realize they've met their first, real life, American. So many American tourists suggest to wear Canadian flags while traveling. But if you want to get anywhere in India, show that Red, White, and Blue proudly, wave those stars and stripes up high. Because nothing is cooler than the land of McDonald's, Akon, or High School Musical. Believe me people when I say, this is what we are known for! Somehow, this is what our reputation in India has come to!

I am done explaining to my teachers at school, or to Rotarians, or to my dance and cooking instructors, what my life at home is really like. I think it is time that America creates a positive, and accurate public image, because I am tired of doing all the explaining!!!


Note to readers: It is 2 AM, it's about 100 degrees, I can't sleep, and the above rant was unintentional. I know it is biased and overgeneralized. I innocently went to write a blog, just to provide an update on my life. But instead, this came spewing out of my head. Maybe tomorrow, I'll read it again, and question what I was thinking, but for now, I will leave it posted.

Goodnight I guess!

Mind Games...

I've returned to the dusty, noisy, and over-crowded city that I temporarily call home. It's strange, but after a month of traveling, I feel as if my year here in India is complete. I know I still have 2 months here. That's 8 weeks! That's 56 more days!

Some times, I think about that figure, and it seems so small. How am I going home so soon? What have I been doing here, what have I seen and experienced? Is there anything else I want to do before I leave? Yet other days I think about my time left, and I feel my homecoming couldn't come soon enough. I can't wait to see my family and friends. I can't wait to see my town and my house and see how everything has changed, yet also remained the same.

Two days back, after unpacking my suitcase and sending all of my clothes for washing, I couldn't bring myself to put my suitcase back up on the shelf where I keep it. I just had the desire to pack up my suitcase! I tested to see if my novels fit in the grooves of the metal frame. I tested to see if I could manage zipping my suitcase shut with my hula hoop inside. Then, I went through my two dressers and desk, putting aside all of the things I am planning to leave behind in India.

But what is it, that is subconsciously driving me to do this? I know that ideally, I would want to come home before May 1st. I want to visit my Grandma and family in Ohio, I want to see my parents and friends, and I want to be productive with my time (ie. A JOB). But also, I don't want to cut short my time here in India. I should complete my goal of 10 months in India, and not leave after just 8. Besides the three things that I mentioned that are pulling me to want to come home, there also seems to be a general 'nothingness' going on here, that is pushing me to go home. I hope that I'm making sense.

All I mean is that aside from my tours with the exchange students, my mom and aunt visiting, and the exciting Hindu festivals, my life here is pretty ho-hum. I am extremely appreciative of my host parents, who have done so much for me; arranging mehendi and art classes, taking me on many day trips, teaching me about their culture and customs, taking me to I think 10 Indian weddings, taking me shopping, and to see movies, and to swim at the health club, and giving me the opportunity to try every new Indian food! But they are so protective (for good reason, I know), I have never been able to discover anything on my own. No matter how much I tried to convince my self that it wasn't, school here was pretty much a failure. And frankly, the rest of my time is spent in our house, in the quiet last lane in our colony, reading, watching movies, dancing, doing mehendi, anything to pass the time.

In two days, I will be making my first host family switch. According to Rotary Youth Exchange guidelines, a students usually stays with three host families, for about 3+ months each. Well Rotary in India kind of throws all of those guidelines out the window. So, for that reason, after 7.5 months, I am making my first switch. But that family that I am going to (two doctors and three senior citizens...) can only host me for a week. Their situation has changed a bit, with the wife fracturing her wrist and the son's wedding date being preponed to early June. So after a week, I will move in with a different host family (this time for 2 weeks). Then I will be back here for my last month.

This is not the ideal situation, as I am trying to make plans as how I can spend my last two months. I have found a local non-profit, where 80 illiterate and underprivileged girls from small villages live, and they are taught basic skills in cooking, gardening, stitching, as well as health and self confidence. I visited the institute a few days ago, and while I thought it was a great place, doing a wonderful service to the women in need, I didn't see where I could fit in. It may seem like I am not trying, that I am too quick to make judgments, or that if I just go there, I will find something to do. But I am not sure yet whether I will be going there.

I have also found traditional Indian dance classes, that may be a possibility. I would love to learn Indian dance, and it is something I have been inquiring about since I first got here! I also have the opportunity to take a cooking class. This, I am certain I will do! I want to be able to come home and prepare meals for my family, and bring the traditional recipes over from India! I know I will miss the food here tremendously, and it will be great to be able to cook it for myself!

~ ~ ~

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received before coming here was from a past exchange student. He said, 'though it will be hard, try not to have any expectations of what your year will be like'. I have tried to do that here, though I have not always been successful at it, and I have been let down many times. But I feel that this advice needs to carry through to my return, I cannot have any expectations of my emotions upon departing, and I cannot have any expectations of what my life will be like back home...

Peace and Love to All.
***Good night***
Chloe